cloudy shroud of a flight away

I'm really sad that I'm leaving. To-night. It's so very wonderful here right now. And to be quite frank, Texas is not one of my favorite places to be in the world.

I've taken about 3 zillion pictures of the clouds this morning because they keep getting prettier. See for yourself.



Mmm. A girl obsessed. And thats just this morning.

Well, see you next year.
Merry Christmas!

Well well well.
It's the first day of winter break.

I saw a shooting star as I was driving to school.

I had slept in, and I was late once again. It was a terrible morning.

And then I saw it. And I felt like everything that was stressing me out was all added up perfectly so I could be driving and looking at the sky that exact moment to see that quick streak of light.

Radical, dude.

yes is a pleasant country
if's wintry
(my lovely)
let's open the year

both is the very weather
(not either)
my treasure,
when violets appear

love is a deeper season
than reason;
my sweet one
(and april's where we're)

-e e cummings

dancing queen

Today is birthday number 17.
I got my first-ever surprise party last night, it was very sweet. Thank you! :D I love all of you very much. Hmm, extreme pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, magnificent presents, yummy garlic and brie.
So, now that I'm all seventeen and everything, am I supposed to be a older, cooler person? Why yes, I feel a change throughout my entire person, physical and mental and spiritual! I understand! Everything, its so clear! Ha, no. Its a nice age, though.

whining time

Imgoingtobe17onSaturdayandIfeellikeIwasnevereven16
andImreallytiredrightnowandIfeelreallysick
becausewhatIateisntagreeing
withmytummyandIvegottensofat
andtheresfinalsnextweek
andImfailingEconanditsnofaultbutmyown
andallofmyfinalsarereallyhard
andImscaredand
Idontwanttospendmybirthdaystudyingand
IjustwantmorethananythingtogotobedRIGHTNOW
butIcantbecauseIhavetodomathandeconandfuuuuck

I wish I was remarkable.

"I think the world of myself, but the world doesn't think much of me."

-Brandi Carlile

what make you so no good?

Dadgummit! I FEEL

!tired.

when ask you this question, think well, think free,
think much. To be
in debt
holds heights
and turntable
and long speeches
and long-awaited reunions.

Do you believe?

I believe in the person,
in the personality,
in the personal,
and the personal space.

I do not believe in
the people.

We're going! Seriously! We booked tickets! This morning!

birthday cake and bags

Yesterday was mommy's 55th, this is the pathetic-looking-but-still-delicious cake I made her.
Today is just a Saturday, I felt sicky so I slept in til 11 and I've been sewing and cleaning and stuff since. We're going to the Film Festival later, I think.

what a boring post!

Disappointing movie: The Graduate. It's such a famous line and all, "Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?", and I appreciate movies from the 60's, but the awkward silences and the songs repeated and the lack of resolve at the end left me unhappy. Hmph.
On a different note, it's Monday and I just ate a cookie and its Very Cold outside and my room is a mess.
I wish it would snow!
I am reading a book of poetry.
How I dearly love poetry.

So I was talking with the good friend today about the English language. I don't like how slang-y (look at me, what a hypocrite) we've made it. I wish we still spoke in a higher class of English, similar to circa 1750. Back when the people took pride in the manner in which they made use of their vocabulary.
And it just sounds pretty.
But I wouldn't mind if we didn't go quite so far back either.
I'd be okay if people brought back phrases like 'doll-face' and 'shake a leg, kid'
or 'I dig it, daddy-o'.
:] Hee.

I've been lazy. Perpetual pajamas and curling up in blankets and getting positively fat. But I'm happy. I guess. Right now I am. Here's how I feel. I feel like I'm waiting for something, with school looming over my head, and its already December. I guess I feel like I'm never really in the moment, I'm always thinking about what homework I should be doing, or the school day tomorrow, or the weekend, or a few hours from now. It's exhausting. Even laying around in my pajamas gives me a feeling of guilt and dread. Happy? Ha. I was happy until I started thinking about it. But it's Christmas, right? Doesn't really feel like it around here. The weather. It's always the weather. This coldish, dead-grass, blah blah weather is not winter-material. How am I ever going to catch the Christmas spirit somewhere where it doesn't snow in the winter?
Yesterday my brother and I went out to a little café to listen to an open-mic night, my brother's roommate was performing. I was pleased with the grown-up feel of the place, not so much the beer, but the low lights, live music, people in trench-coats (even a guy with a beret) just sitting and talking at little tables. I felt very left out of the political discussion, so I sat and made sketches of the performers.
The guilt of leaving my homework 'til the ungodly hour of 3.30pm (heaven forbid!) is getting to me, so here is where I'll sign off.

A finished hat.

mondays.

Nothing was wonderful today.
Today just feels flat and gray.
Must be the weather.

expressing myself
through dance and art
in what I say and what I sing
how I hold myself
in what results when my pen touches paper
and when words flow from my mouth
how I dress myself in the morning
and how many holes I put in my face
how I use the space I fill
I will make known what goes on inside my head,
by expressing myself.

:]

scissor-crazy

Hmmhmmhahahmm. Procrastination takes many a form. Mine comes in the shape of 2 pointy blades with handles for the forefinger and thumb. I don't think I know anyone who cuts their hair just for fun.
I can't believe how late it is already. I'm back from Valdez, it was...wow. The mountains there are just SO AMAZING. I never get over it. A little snowboarding just for fun, a lot of yummy food, and trying to maybe learn a word or two in Portugese from Andressa, a student from Brazil.
Today I made good progress on the montagnes des maths, and now I'll do a little reading for English,
which is nice, have-a-cookie-and-let-me-rub-your-feet homework that I don't mind doing. The subject of the book isn't so cheery, an eye-opening exposé of the toils of a slave girl with a perverted master and dreary conditions for her family. Riles anger from the acid of the deep stomach-area. Am in a good mood despite looming prospect of school in a few hours.
Love love.

All That Jazz

So I just watched Chicago, and I'm all caught up in the glitzy 1920's. The music and singing...I'm usually not much for musicals but after watching this, I really want to get all sparkled up and sing my heart out on a stage. Hee.
Recent events: Staying at Ava's G-parents, learning to crochet (slowly, frustratingly), tons of homework etc, and wriggling with excitement for Thanksgiving-Valdez trip next week. I took some inspirationg pictures out of books I got from the library...







Hoooo-waaah.

at last

Oh, what a wonderful day it is today. Snow is covering the ground, its quiet and bright white and thick. Hm, well, here's some pictures.



This is the week to stay at Ava's grandparent's with her, beginning Wednesday. I'm so very excited. I wish school was not a part of it though. I wouldn't mind spending all day playing music and sewing/learning to crochet hats and drawing/painting and playing in the snow. Lately I've been spending a lot of time at the library, watching movies, reading Sherlock Holmes, painting, and drinking lots of tea and eating lots of toast.

these are strange days

This morning's sunrise. It's Sunday evening now. It's so dark. My brother is here, making some sort of dessert thing that he had me run down to the store for ingredients. I always start writing these posts when I don't feel like being eloquent. And I was just told to go study economics. So I think I'll just post this, and then come back and explain the "strangity" of these days later, when I have a little bit more time. This is my scarf by the way. I got the pattern/inspiration from iHanna's il bloggo. It's so pretty and soft. I've had to rip it up a lot, I keep tripping up, so it's a little knobbly and uneven, but as my mom said, it adds character.

I suddenly feel like a different person, from the roots of my soul come a gentle coersion.

It's been a while. I suppose I will list whats been happenin' round these parts:

• I got in a car wreck. Bleh. I hit a lady's bumper and cried and got 2 points on my spanking new license.
  
• I did a 2-day, 18-hour yoga training. I so dearly love yoga. I am very excited to become a flexy bendy yogi.
  
• Took the PSAT. No biggie.
• We might be investing in a little Volvo for meeee to drive. My France money drains...sigh..
• Belly dancing lessons! I'm having so much fun with it. Its so twisty and the music is so movable.
• The photo is the latest product of photography. I do love that class right now, its the least stressy.
  

Nothing exciting, but I've been breathing deeper, and I got to bed at 9:30 last night. I guess I'm trying to take better care of myself.

One Lucky Girl.

That, my dears, is snow. On the mountain. It was snowing today, it really was. On comes winter! In accordance with this weather, I got a new coat today. Oh, marvelous woolen coat.

This whole weekend has been marvelous. Yesterday I took and passed my driving test, and to show for it I have a lovely Provisional License.

To celebrate, I drove myself around and got new new new fabric.
And Ava and I have a new song that I love. I am taking the PSAT this week (blehhh) but the week ends a day early (wonderful inservice) and I am taking the 2 day super-intense yoga training Saturday and Sunday, to become licensed as a yoga teacher (nervousss). I am such a happy camper.

Frabjous Day!

Calloo, callay!
I am to be the recipient of..oh, I don't like the sound of that..
Toastandcupcakes is going to make me a bag!!! This makes me so happy!
And my mom and I made our own bread this weekend, and ate it for dinner with mushrooms and mozarella tonight, Soo Good.
And I've been drawing a lot lately, and since I have no other pictures, I guess I'll share some of them.


And something I did in class.



This is just a cool picture of the clouds from the other day. Sheesh.


I need more exciting things to photograph. Like wild animals or wild people. "Enough of these cloud pictures!" But they fascinate me, every single day they do.

These pictures came in the mail this morning, from my summer trip to visit my aunt and uncle and cousin, who live outside of Seattle. My cousin was adopted from China, and she is most marvelous human being. At the picnic table, thats my step-cousin, she's...13 I believe, who also came up to visit.
The water you see behind us is surrounding the San Juan islands. From where I am perched on that rock, I watched at least 30 Orcas swim by. It was incredible. While I was watching them, I kept thinking things like, "I should be a marine biologist. I want to swim with whales. They are so amazing. I want to be a marine biologist." But now, looking forward, I don't want to be a marine biologist, biology classes bore me to tears. But oh, they were amazing.
This morning should last forever. I feel like its slipping away, and I need time to get things done, but I also want my doing-stuff-but-not-really time. Like blogging or organizing pictures on iPhoto and taping newspaper clippings to my wall. It's a beautiful sunny-frosty morning.

It was a reality check, and it was the last thing she wanted.

Totally honestly, when you meet somebody wonderful, but they couldn't care less about you, because they have their own sparkly life to return to, it has left me feeling claustrophobic, not of people, but of my own life. Where I am. How stuck I feel. They leave, and I'm still here. But after the initial loneliness, and being totally pissed off because they come in and show me how wonderful life could be and then take off, its left me repeating to myself "So just keep living with what you have." Its been making me focus on just keeping my life chock full of things I love. Keep it as exciting as I can, and then eventually, I get to leave too.
Or I wonder if its just a ploy to keep my mind as busy as possible, to try and forget this guy.
Leaves me with that self-conscious question: Why not? Am I good enough?
I'm vague because I'm shy and superstitious.

a lonely post

Mushroom from my delicious dinner of Portobello mushroom, eggplant, goat cheese, and baguette dinner yesterday. And oh, new things, new things. In the picture containing the many objects, you may view the ALPACA SWEATER in the background, I'm am so in love with it. And a New Waterbottle in a lovely color. And NEW SHOES, so I don't have to wear my sandals in the snow. And from a lovely trip to the bookstore, new BOOKS. And, on the right, a trip to the bead store so I could make a new necklace. A pretty bead. The owner of the shop had just returned from India, and she told us of the amazing persistence and hard-wrking nature of the people there, and the beautiful craftsmanship resulting. How I long to visit.Honestly though, I've been feeling lonely. I come home after school and I feel like everyone else is off busy with activities and friends, while I am cooped up, so far away from everyone. I like my time alone, but after school is just such a slow time of the day, when I feel like conversing and just being with people. "Do you homework", you might say. I feel too lonely to do even that. So I read a lot, and playing guitar, and writing on my typewriter. Which is okay, but it sure does get lonely.
My mom is coming home from a weekend in Boston for her mom's funeral, her plane arrives tonight. Its about 10h30 right now, she's coming home in about 2 hours. My dad just left, we made our own granola bars before he left. And talked, more than we have in a long time. I asked him if he was going to marry his girlfriend, and he said yes, he probably will. And we talked about him moving on, and my mom moving on, and how it makes him sad that I've been feeling lonely, and that we're going to do what we can to get me a car, or at least stuff to do.
Such as, in about 2 weeks, there is an intense YogaFit training I'm signed up for. Its so I can become a licensed yoga teacher. I don't feel like material for a yoga teacher. I'm a quiet, slightly overweight 16-year-old girl. Me, teach yoga? Why not? I really love yoga. So yes, I think I will.
My brother moved out today. I am an only child. Or thats what it feels like. I think I'm going to move into his room, but not for a while, until he's really moved out moved out. Like, when it doesn't feel like he's coming back. The house will be quieter. Even quieter. Its been a little too quiet.

a sick day

I stayed home from school today, due to a mix of stomach cramps and my mom leaving for Boston. My grandma, her mom, just died 2 nights ago, she was 87. The last time I saw her was 2 1/2 years ago, and I hadn't known her very well. Her name was Sophia. I think its a beautiful name.
But so today was a lonely day of homework and music and a little painting and a little poetry and a little Mr. Rogers. I have a guitar body that I am going to paint, and supposedly it will be made into a guitar eventually. I'm excited.
I should be done with it in about 2 weeks, considering how picky I am. I still don't feel great, its almost midnight and I still have a lot of reading to do, something I was trying to avoid, but its inevitable it seems. This coming weekend looks a little uneventful, and I guess I'm grateful, but I've been spending so much time around home that I'm starting to get a little stir-crazy, cabin feverish. I can't beleive Spetember is on the way down, the home strtch. then...October? Heavens-to-Betsy. This is another year that zooms by so quickly, so quickly. Here is a cool picture of the moon, a couple nights ago. I just like pictures of the moon. Of space in general. I love space. Those big pictures of star-births and deaths and...man, my mind is blanking out right now. Those biiig universe books with mind-blowing pictures of space, the ones you look at and say to yourself "No way, that Cannot be Real!". Yeah. Those.